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Saturday, July 12th, 2003

Subject:It's been a long time
Time:12:28 am.
Mood: numb.
Well, it's definitely been a long time since I've been here. I just finished reading my own journal entries. They definitely brought back memories. I'm surprised that I had written so much about William...kind of obsessed.Weird. For the update, we remained good friends, and that's how it was supposed to be all along.

ok, hold on, there is this Dixie Chicks song that keeps repeating...something must be done.
Ok, that's much better. Now, were do I start, so much has happened since I last wrote....two years worth! Wow! I've changed so much since then. I'm a junior in college now with a chemical engineering major (it's ok) with the focused attempt to change the world...and leap over small buildings in a single bound (the last may take a while). I've made a lot of changes in my life and I regret none of them. I moved from a small town in Kentucky to the bubbling city of Seattle with all it's shinning liberalism and funky attitudes. It was the move that changed everything...it was the city.....the melting pot of culture, ideas, foods, attitudes, and lives. I live with one of my best friends in a place I can call my own and in a skin that I am becoming to accept.

I realize that I am flying through two years of excruciating and wonderful struggles with a matter-of-fact, in your face attitude, but it is 1:00 am and I am just providing the background for the jump in journal entries that is to take place. Will I keep this journal thing up? I don't know, and who does for that matter. We're all a bunch of beings scrambling to make sense of it all while life flashes by.

Alright, I'm out....I'll talk to you later.
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Saturday, August 25th, 2001

Subject:Far from a dream...
Time:4:56 pm.
Mood: confused.
Well, I finally did it, after months of fears, frustrations, and heartache. I don't know where the courage came from or how stupid I'd be in saying anything at all. We went for a ride in my mustang. She was so beautiful and fast that we both just sat back and let the excitement take over. Well, I guess William did more than I ever could have with the weight of so many unspoken words barring down on my shoulders. William, on the other hand was like a small child in a fabulous candy store. He bubbled, I swear he did. And then I had to go and somewhat ruin the wonderful, innocent relationship between the two of use. I was was so nervous that I could hardly get the words to come out.
"About the other night, Nathan, when we were in the park, I don't think you fully understood what I was trying to tell you."
excruciating silence.
"I was trying to tell you I like you" I said in a sombre tone with my eyes on the road in front of me. I searched for anything to say after that. "I just didn't want to tell you something like this on the telephone. That would have been really shitty." My scheming plans of useing everything in my power to trap him into hearing me were revealed.
"{Yeah that would have been kind of crappy." he murmured. It didn't really matter what he said just as long as he said something. His silence was driving me mad.
We both got out of the car and started talking of things like the engine, as well as all sorts of other car topics, as if we both were trying to escape the reality of what had been saud. We talked about the stars in the sky after all conversation of the car had been exhausted. There we were, just the two of us staring up at the beautiful expanse in my front lawn. Yet, I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't run and hid with my head in the sand as he appeared to be doing. I had to know if only for some kind of closure (I hate that term).
"So, Nate, what do you think of all this?" I blurted out standing a yard away from him with my arms over my head as if I were cooling off from just running a marathon.
The silence seemed to spread forever and just when I though he was not going to say a word , he spoke.
"I...I don't know," he blurted out that was only slightly audible.
"Haven't you ever thought about it?" I was struggling.
again the time seem to stretch forever into the darkness.
"N...No" He muttered again, and at that point I knew I wasn't going to get anything out of him that night.
"Well, I guess I kind of shocked you then" I simply said , while his reply only came as a slight laugh and an light "yes".
There was nothing else I could do. We just looked at each other calmly. I didn't want to push things. What I had said was uncomfortable enough but I didn't care I felt numb.
"Well, I guess I'll talk to you later, Nate," and that was it, I was done.
" Yeah...uh, listen, thanks for the ride."
I watched from the inside of the garage as he left and couldn't help but feel unsatisfied. All I wanted was either a yes I like you too or a no, go away. I did receive either.

I can't help but feel that I have made a mistake and wish for the opportunity to take back what I said. I love him, but not in the way many would think. And, now I'm not even sure I wanted the complication of the word "like" to take away the innocent relationship we had. Now, that I look back, I think we would have kept in touch and had a good blossoming relationship. But that might all be changed. I have no idea, just a burning fear. I feel so confused and....lost.
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Saturday, July 28th, 2001

Subject:Good evening...
Time:11:02 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
I was exceptionally distraught this morning when I notice the overhang of my bellybutton has grown since the last I remember. Personally, I blame the secret cult inhabiting my refrig that temps me with telepathy. I suppose I'll have to do something about that, but then again I usually never do. Suffice to say that I enjoy living in my dream world, and although it parallels that phrase in the Matrix,"I think that that world could be more real that this one" -sipher-
Maybe that makes me frivolous at times. The things I do to protect myself from the world.
William arrived today, and the knowledge that he is within the vicinity gives me that ever-so-familiar feeling that I have to shit. I always have that feeling when I'm nervous. Look at the relationship I had with Chris, I had the runs until the poor boy told me that he just wanted to be friends, or I found out he was seeing another girl. Take your pick. oh, dear lord, I'm rambling tonight, but what else is new.
I guess what's really on my mind is Jules. I wonder how she is doing. I called her last night but she seemed so detached. I don't think she really wanted to talk to me, I think she belies that I'm not there for her like I use to be and I wonder the same thing myself. I just don't seem to make her cheerful anymore, the way I did back in sophomore year. I've changed so much since then, and it must be so astounding that I notice. Junior year was rough, I'll admit that, so much so that life became about school with rarely enough time for anyone else. I was so miserable back then with that god-forsaken US History class. Senior year was much better, I had time for everything, but then again I didn't have anyone to hang out with. Eris was always at work and only in one class with me. Jackie, Penny, and Alisa I hardly saw twice a week, and Jules was gone to college. I didn't really talk to anyone, not really talk, I just put on my happy face and tried to act like nothing had changed. Yet it had. Perhaps that is why I tried to find such a satisfying relationship with William. The first time I met William I knew that he would have a very large role in my life and he would change me forever. I guess when everyone started busying themselves with their own lives I resorted to William and tried to make him as much of a companion as Jules had been. However, there were problems. First, I had become an emotional recluse after Junior year. I didn't tell Jules everything, I felt I couldn't. She had enough to worry about and I had to deal with my complexities in my own way. Second, I'm not quite sure William shared my exuberance to become soul friends. Third, and perhaps the scariest, I loved William. I loved him as if he were a part of me, like something that had grown out of me and became its own being. Jules was different, she was similar to me, but always very defined as her own spirit. William on the other hand embodied all the characteristics of my dark side along a child temperament that was most attractive. He was so passionate at everything that I couldn't understand how he could still be living. He had way too much energy. (getting off track)
I just wish we could sit down and talk like we use to, but I suppose that has changed as well. We know each other so completely that we find it hard to mask the pain we feel from just living. No more smiling masks or intellectual conversations for now, everything is emotion now. Perhaps we will find a balance some day. For now, I'll leave her to her solitude until she feels comfortable talking about things with me. I just don't want to push her when she's not ready. If you ever read this, Jules, just know that I love you always and am here for you whenever you need me.
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Wednesday, July 25th, 2001

Time:12:14 am.
I feel sad tonight. The kind of accepting sadness that often times invades ones soul. A secret place hidden in the corner that is meant just for you, the one that movies so often touch. It's constant, but we usually forget about it, ignore it , or simply become use to the pain. It is that overwhelming sense of numbnessthat affects me so completely. The realization that my love has yet to come, and the ones I affection for now are just a byproduct, if you will, of the deep emotional longing I have to completely belong to someone, like a hand belongs to an arm. Someone that in your mind was your own flesh and blood, whose lose would leave you dying, sickening in your heart. I must admit that during all the time William has been gone I have been able to live without serious effect, and yet there was always that potential there that keeps me in hope. Hope that he will be in my life as long as I know this world. I love him as if he were a part of my close family in lifetimes past, with only the need to know that he is safe and knows I will always be there. I guess I just wanted something more from him as a way to passify my time before " the one" turned up. A wonderful distraction. However, I know now that if anything were to blossom between us it will only be many years down the road.
I've been single for many years now, and wonder if I have not intended it to be that way. Gasp, how could I not want a man in my life? It's really rather simple, I have the soul of the wind, very mild though it may be, but never the less. I want so much from life, that a serious relationship would complicate matters to an extremity. Once I give my heart to someone else, I give it unconditionally and perminantly. I can never take it back from an unreceptive love , I can only build a new one, and that takes time. I can't afford to be frivolous in love. I guess that is where Jules and I differ. My only wish is that William feels the same as I do, that I must have an unremovable place in his heart, if only friends. How am I ever going to make him understand that I want to be able to call him at 2 am and tell him about the wonderful movie I just saw? A great pity resides in my heart that fears that he never will.
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Sunday, July 22nd, 2001

Subject:Alone in the dark....
Time:9:08 am.
Mood: confused.
It's Sunday again and I still haven't gone to church. Everything is like pulling teeth with me, and the truly pathetic thing is that I spend most of the time daydreaming about William's very expedient return and what it will entail for the future. I once told Jules that it's hard to be afraid of showing my emotions to William when my entire life is based on fear. Fear that don't know what to do with my life, fear that I'm not doing enough, fear of leaving my family, fear of change, fear that any relationship I have with William, Napoleon, and even Ralph will come to a close. I'm being childish! I know I have to go, it's just going to be a very large step. But for right at this moment I live in denial and that good enough for now.
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Tuesday, July 17th, 2001

Subject:...It's time to get up
Time:11:44 am.
The exhaustion these days overwhelms me, and I really don't have any right to state that. I don't do anything. My cousin is dying and I just sit around trying to find a reason not to call and say, "I really want to do something with you". This, of course, makes me feel so guilty that I could scream. I know that she's dying, and everyone is dying, but she different, she knows that she could go in a week, months, or years, there is no telling. She knows that life is uncertain while the rest of us are just suffering from the dillusion the death is not catching up to us.
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LiveJournal for Zira.

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